Wassup Dude

** H.E.L.P M.E. **

There is this company called "Foster Wheeler" with its offices at Chennai and Calcutta . If you work here , or know anybody who does , please drop me a mail and I will be your slave . You say sit , I sit , you say run , I run , you say kill me , I will kill you . Please help me out guys .

PS - if your aunt knows a guy who works in an office a couple of blocks away from Foster Wheeler , thats not exactly a contact .

** EXIT H.E.L.P REQUEST **

So , I made the leap . I have quit my job .

Last week , I called my boss and said the words . I had actually practiced the entire thing , that fiddling with the words , saying it with the right emphasis on words and tones , pausing, the entire setting you know.

So , anyway , now that I am out of it , I have decided to follow my heart . In another month , I will be on my way to Kenya where I intend to be a part of a team and research if Gorillas can be trained to play cricket . Ok , don’t believe the last part .

I have heard the phare "Those who can't, give advices" so many times and it fits me perfectly. So I am going to try my hands at being a consultant now. I am planning to start a small company called Centriti Consulting that would advise educational institutes on marketing.

But the thing which excites me to the most right now, along with the prospect of eating Chinese tonight , and that is making my detour to Leh and Ladakh. Now, those places have been in my heart since the travel bug hit me about 5-6 yrs ago. I plan to make it a trip to clean my soul of vices contracted through living in the so called civilized world. This is going to be my haj to mecca.

I plan to carry my camping equipment including a camper's stove on my back. I ll be staying in the remotest corners of earth and I ll do it all alone. I plan to kill my time reading Henery D. Thoreau's 'Walden' and more importantly Jack Young's 'Guide to Survival in Snow'.

I would take a bus to Manali, stay there for two days and then take another bus to Ladakh the capital of Leh. Then I plan to hitch-hike my way to my desired camping ground. There I would admire the beauty of those snow capped mountains and quiteness of being in the middle of nowhere. But there is one problem, I am not quite used to doing my morning chores in the open, Huh....

A Week That Was

Its been a pretty weird week.


The first day, I was hard at work when as usual, Pepsy came over to have his little chat with me. He started telling me about his evening plans. He told me he was planning to meet up with an old friend of his, who was bringing along three hot girls. They were gonna catch a movie and then go to a pub after that.

"Cool" I said. "Have fun, dude."

He then asked me what were my plans. I told him that I had a little bit of work left and would try to complete as much of it as possible.

He shook his head and said "Loser."

Two other guys, a girl and a computer game called me a loser that day.


The third day, I wasnt in too much of a mood to work. I was arbitly visiting a lot of orkut scrapbooks. I visited the book of this particular friend of mine called Jappy. He had a profile snap of himself with the beach in the background. I left him the following scrap.

"In your profile snap, can you move the dickhead a little bit so that I can see the shore?"

He replied back with this scrap,

"I can see tht u r indeed jealous of the grace and charm of the person who keeps springing up in your orkut picture list, and understandably with a face similar to constipated redwood tree, you would but naturally want to rid the realization of your inadequacies by going on nudging me to remove the picture... cut it out, it aint working buddy... "

I didnt understand much, but I understood why people also call him 'Dickie'.


The fourth day, sometime in the evening, I got an SMS from some weird number which went like this "Hi Daljeet. How are you?"

For some inexplicable reason, I assumed that it was some hot girl, and with a smile I typed back the message "I am doing good. How are you baby?"

She replied back, "I am fine too. Have you had your lunch?"

Her message confused me for a second. I thought I am getting asked out for lunch. That would have been a first aint it. A second later I realized that the number belonged to my mother who had just discovered the art of text messaging.


The fifth day, Monty called me up and reminded me about the bet we had about a girl. We had agreed that we both will fight for a girl and whoever spends time with her or does something to gain her favor would get some number of points. He told me that in the last couple of days, he had talked to her 4 times, messaged her 14 times, played scrabble with her once and had talked her into a movie the following weekend.

"I think I am about 70 points ahead." he said gleefully.

After I was done talking to him, I thought maybe I should open my account and atleast meet up with her. I picked up my mobile and sent her a message "Hey there ! How about meeting up at Barista today... say around 9?"

Back she replies, "Umm... who is this?"


The sixth day, I was hard at work again. I would have opened orkut or my yahoo mail just about 4 times the whole day. Which means, I spent barely 10 minutes in about 9 hours doing something apart from my work.

Thanks to my luck, exactly on those four occasions my boss had walked over to tell me something.

After the 4th time this happened, I decided that I wouldnt let this happen again and I wouldnt do anything apart from working on the presentation for the rest of the day. In fact, I decided I wouldnt even turn my head. Maybe my boss would get impressed that I am so caught up in my work that I couldnt even hear him coming.

So I fixed a frown on my face and stared non stop at the screen.

A little later, I heard someone coming over. I didnt turn around and stared purposefully at the screen. The footsteps stopped near me and someone tapped on my shoulder. Pretending as if I was completely oblivious to the happenings around me, I put on a dazed expression and turned my head.

Pepsy took one look at me, one look at the screen and shook his head.

"Loser", he said.

The seventh day, I was just about to go to leave office when I realized I havent switched off the lights of my room/cabin duh.... I rushed back to switch off the light and instead I bumped my finger and myself on the wall.

As I lay sprawled on the floor, with my index finger smoking as if I had just zapped someone into a frog, the door opened.

"Oh dude, you have started sleeping on office timings" my gulti boss said.


Its been a pretty weird week, I tell you.

Fiendish Operating System

I can now rest in peace. I have got my comeuppance.

Last night I finally managed to wrap up an installation of Ubuntu on my laptop. Minor hiccups aside, things like hardware drivers missing and wireless networking issues, I now actually have two operating system coexisting in peace on this laptop: Windows XP and Ubuntu.

This may seem insignificant to you. But in my little world that is worthy of a Nobel. Now I can use Ubuntu as a light and free operating system to take care of all day to day tasks while Windows can take care of the complicated stuff like downloading Backdoor Trojans and playing Dearth Vader.

This finally puts to rest a long, long war of attrition between Unix and your truly that stretches back almost five years.

One evening, during my last year in school, I suddenly got into a fit of career pangs. All my usual confidence disappeared. It suddenly occurred to me that I was not exactly what you would call a brilliant student.

Now these are the times, when every parent (mine included) wants his child to be an engineer, and I think the biggest mistake I made in my life was to take non-med after class 10th. I couldnt understand a single subject (maybe except English, which was also the only subject whose mark-sheet I would show at home, my parents still wonder, as to why I never got the mark-sheets to the 100's of exams I gave in school).

Everyone with serious job hopes were rushing to their homes after class and locking themselves away with the usual entrance examination preparation materials: Shakuntala Devi, Vedic Maths, Organic Chemistry, old question papers and the like. I had no idea what I wanted with life.

Back in my time if you had non-med, an engineering career was the only option you had in life. The cream got into IIT's or NIT and DCE's the rest into regional and private engineering colleges. But if you didn’t then the going was pretty tough.

Till the time I got out of school I had assured myself that engineering was not my cup of tea and I would save myself the trouble of giving those entrance exams, which caused a lot of uproar in the house and ultimately I went to exam centers only to sleep in the second half of the exam (the first half was reserved for looking at the chicks in the room and by the time I realized they were more interested in the paper than me, I was off to sleep).

And then one weekend morning I lay in bed and decided to quickly overview my career plans for a few minutes. But not for too long as the bread pakoda ran out after 9:30 or so.

Now I knew I couldn’t become a computer engineer to save my life. The Meta syllabus included a moderately difficult course on C and C++. I’d passed through with flying colours scoring one mark more than pass point. (The highlight of the course was watching the professor, a charming and young lady struggle with an early morning class on Objected Oriented Programming, break into a sweat and then finally faint into the arms of a vigilant fellow in the front row. I bunked that class unfortunately.)

I’ve often wondered over the years hence why someone would want a C program that printed out a pyramid of prime numbers. What essential human endeavour struggles for want of good pyramid prime programs?

“Houston we have a problem!”
“We know. Perhaps a particular problem pertaining to the pyramid prime processor?”
“We like the alliteration Houston!”
“Merely making the mundane mirthful mister!”
“Ok cut it…”

I sucked at most forms of programming. And particularly the fancy shmancy prime number, sorting, pyramid type programs.

I got selected for a few non-descriptive engineering colleges. But then what certainty was there that I could make it into one of those engineering firms? They seldom came every year and, even when they did, they picked up one, maybe two people at a go. Was I being foolhardy I wondered, as I lay in bed with an eye on the clock.

Then later that evening I decided that I must hedge my risk. I told my parents that Foreign is where I want to go and bought myself some thick books on SAT, which was also close-by.

So I asked my tution teacher, what I could do on a war footing. The threat loomed large that I would have to give SAT and then do an MS and PhD because I couldn’t get a job.

“Unix man. Unix is the way to go man. That and Networking. Just do a diploma on these from NIIT and you'll find yourself a decent job.”

For one whole month I sat hunched over a UNIX manual and a huge textbook on Networking, that I borrowed from my tution sir to get a hang of what I am about to do.

Who was that networking by? Ah yes. Tennenbaum. Andrew Tennenbaum I think.

After a month I thought I was ready to try out some of my newly learnt computing skills on my home computer, that was a bad day.

Two hours later I was back in my room pulling out my guide to the SAT under the bed and already mouthing words like apothecary and apothegm fighting back the tears.

It was the worst thulping by an open source operating system I have ever received in my life.

Why were there backslashes everywhere? Why was the program editor such a cold-hearted bitch? Why do I have to press seven keys simultaneously to scroll down one page? Why? Why? Why weren’t things like the way its said in the manual:

It was a futile struggle. I was seeing those asterix's and hashes even in my sleep.

I went on to do my bachelors degree in something called Mass Communication, that I had no idea what it was, but I took it anyway as a cousin doing it told me you dont have to study at all for this course. Those three years sailed smoothly with a few pleasant memories. Then I went on to become gainfully employed against the fears of my parent.

For close to half a decade I never crossed my path with Unix ever again.

Till last night. After much recommendation from a friend I decided to give this Ubuntu thing a shot. I followed the manual by the letter. I slipped in the DVD, booted from the disc, played around with my partitions a little bit, set up a root user and finally waited with bated breath while the installation happened.

As of now everything except the sound card and the PPPOE connection for the internet at home seems to be working fine.

I could try to get them to work too. I checked the online user forums and there was a wealth of information such as this response from an Ubuntu expert:

This is bug 2825 (http://https://bugzilla.ubuntu.com/show_bug.cgi?i d=2825) . The work around is to ~# ln -f /etc/pppd/resolv.conf /etc/resolv.conf

To which someone replied:

I can confirm this bug. I am using a tap0 bridge to emulate PPPoE on a Globespan chipset-based USB aDSL bridge and the latests stable eciadsl-usermode drivers (which, btw are not in Universe). It would be nice to have an updated pppd perhaps backported from Dapper.
I know that Debian’s choice of using kernel-mode PPPoE makes rp-pppoe unnecessary, but I wonder if it would be possible to update rp-pppoe to 3.7 for those that still in using it.

I laughed heartily and decided I was ok without the sound.

So for now, between me and Unix, its even.

Why I bought five

At the Naga stall, at the Annual Shilp Mela, there was this girl assisting her mother ( I presume). Normally, friends and I refer to Nagas (and other North-East Indians) as “Chinks”, going by Dilli lingo. But I wont do that for her. No. This girl was pretty, petite, dainty, and what eyes! Not flashily dressed or anything; just a simple pair of jeans, and a no-show grey sweat shirt. But, the elegance...!Now, “Chinks” are normally pretty trendy (markedly fashion abreast), and smart; but there are only a limited minority who manage to find and hold the attention of the North Indian male (unless in males you want to count the “Girl is girl” lech). This one would be found very high on this minority list.

She and her mother had a hard-dried-and-painted-flowers stall at the Mela. The flowers were attractive as she, varnished in dry, shiny hues of gold, silver, and often a whole variety of shades. But there was one on them that stood out, just like she from the other Chinks. It was a dry-painted four-petalled crimson, with a deep red stalk and a gold lining at the edges of the (wafer-like) petals.“How much for this one?”, I asked.“Ten rupees.”, she replied smiling the most angelic smile any girl could smile.“Ten for one?!

That’s too expensive.” Smile or no smile, I care for my wallet!“You can have this one for five”, she said, mesmerisingly, pointing to a tender-looking off-white, papery flower, with a burnt-brown centre.“How long will that stay alright?”, I asked guided by the scepticism that the flowers’ apparent fragility filled me with.“That would depend upon you, how you can handle it.”, she said, in a statement more deep than I think she meant it to be. I took five of those from her. As I handed her the money, she gave me the balance, in no hurry, as though she was allowing me the time to ponder.

“Depends upon how you can handle…”.

“The Mela is on for another two weeks, isn’t it?”, I asked.

She smiled, and nodded.

TO DE-PFAFF THE WORLD

faff: To keep speaking pompously and with a lot of jargon , when in fact you don't have a clue of the topic at hand. Often excercised by Business people (mostly MBAs), public speakers, HR guys, politicians etc.
1] The CEO got up late to prepare for the presentation and ended up faffing like mad on the podium.
2] In an interview , when you've said enough "I don't know"s , its time for faffing.
- From UrbanDictionary.com

If you're an MBA or deal with a lot of MBAs, faffing is second nature. No, seriously.

Now this post is not going to be pfaff-bashing, pfaff-eulogizing or telling people how to pfaff (the last one, though, I promise to write on soon). What this post will be all about is imagining a world without pfaff, and how much simpler life would be if we didn't beat about the bush.

Imagine, for instance, the mother of all pfaff situtations, placement interviews in BSchools. I have been visiting a few of them to hire and frankly most of them just put me to sleep. Let's take a dialogue between Prospective Employee (PE) and Recruiter (R). Let's call the institute Management Institute of India (MII).

R: So, tell me something about the subjects you have studied at MMI, PE.

PE: Well, I majored in marketing, and learnt a variety of subjects such as branding, general marketing, advertising, media, consumer behaviour, etc.

R: Hmm, I see. And do you think these will help you at our company? For instance, you say you studied branding. How do you think that will help you?

PE: Undoubtedly, sir. In today's marketplace, it is imperative to look from the consumer's point of view. The brand essence that he carries forward in his mind is of utmost importance, it can make or break his decision to invest in your product or not. Hence building a brand, maintaining it, etc, are vital, and I believe the skills that I have imbibed during my study at MII will help me greatly, and help the brand grow as well.

R: Impressive. You were an engineer before this, according to your CV? A mechanical engineer?

PE: (oh-oh) Yes, sir, I was...

R: And after that you went and did a software job, and after 10 months you decided to do an MBA in marketing...? How do you justify that?

PE: Well sir, it's like this. When I started out to do my Engineering, there were a wide variety of options in front of me and I decided that this would be a safe career path, after which I could choose anything I wanted. At the end of engineering, I decided to go for a software job because it was a lucrative field. Of course, it is not as if all of my four years went to waste. My stay at college was invaluable to help me inbibe analytical skills, which I carry forward even today.

R: Impressive, PE. I think you will be an asset to our company. We would like to make you an offer, do you have any questions?

PE: Sir, what would my salary be like?

R: Your cost to company will be 9.7 lakhs per annum

PE: (kickass!) Sir, how much will that translate to per month?

R: Well, it depends on your performance and the company's performance, but I assure you, our in-hand is on-par with what the best in industry offers.

PE: It's been a pleasure, sir. Thank you so much.

R: Good luck!

==

Now, cut to the same conversation happening without all the gas.

==

R: Dude, what did you do out here at MII for two years?

PE: Laid a few people, learnt how to make better Powerpoints and speeches, a bit of guitar, Stanley Kubrik movies, Deep Purple's music, and stuff like that.

R: Why on earth should we hire you?

PE: Dude, listen, I may not have the greatest CGP thingummy, but you can bet your corporate ass that I can sell.

R: You sound pretty sure and confident. I like that. What did you do in your internship?

PE: Flirted with the other temps, and gassed out a few models and impressed higher management.

R: Hehe, buttkickin, dude! We're hiring you.

PE: Sweet. How much are you gonna pay me?

R: You'll get 45,000 in hand per month. Plus some money when you get really old and all - some PF crap.

PE/R: (laughs)

R: Though, I'll take up your offer only if --- is offering me less. No hard feelings, eh?

PE: Haha, sure dude! I understand! I wouldn't be in this shitpot interviewing nutters like you too if I had my way! Chal, man, it's been great. See ya!

See how simple and transparent it is? No need to build up a corporate facade, no need to use words that are over 6 letters, and no need to pretend to be a genius. Everything is truthful, in-your-face and real. And it's all over about in about 120 seconds.


Another good exercise is to read interviews with CEOs of companies that have recently undergone a logo change. They spew out so much bovine feces, it's not remotely funny and you'd want to drown under the repugnant puke of corporate pfaff. Youthful identity? Energy? Symbiosis? Who the heck are you kidding? The true reason people change logos is just to create a bit of noise and to remind people that they're still around. Youthfulness? Give me a break!

Another brilliant paper I read: After 6 pages of pfaff, graphs and figures, the earth-shattering conclusion: "Young children in India like watching television". Oh, no! Really! And I thought they spent all their time solving nuclear physics equations. Oh, you've really opened my eyes now!

Imagine if all rhetoric and gas were wiped out from the world.

After every terror strike, Manmohan Singh would just say, "We have no clue who did this, and we're not likely to find out, really. Just insure yourselves!"

After a controversial Ind-Aus test match, Dhoni would say, "See, Ricky really is a bastard, and I hate the stench of him when we get onto the field. That Clarke catch was not really a catch, and he effin' knows it as well as I do that we deserved to win!"

During the inauguration ceremony for new MBA students, the director would say, "Hey there, guys. You've paid a good sum to learn a lot of gas, which you might as well have done from Wikipedia for free. All we are is really a placement facilitation organization with a few frills. Join a few committees, have a girlfriend, have fun, mate!"

During the convocation ceremony, "I told you so!"

Hard Disk vendors on Lamington Road, "Yeah, will last for about a year, and then you can come back and buy another one from us."

So there we are. How we would love the world to be a gas-free, pfaff-free place. Now excuse me while I go and write a mail to my boss explaining why I couldn't finish the project because I was involved in an "intellectual literary activity which would lead to eyeballs and appreciation by SEC A category graduates and post-graduates which would inturn lead to networking possibilities" (viz, wrote this blogpost).

Photo Blog

I just got myself a pro account on flickr. I was infact posting my pics there for quite sometime, rather immediately after i got my Nikon D40.

Have a look @ http://flickr.com/photos/daljeetsingh/

I am missing them

People reading my blog (yes there are a few) were complaining that of-late I have startedposting more senti type posts instead of my usual ones. They were wondering if I have started watching K-Serials, hell yes I do.

Not disappointing them I talk of a time when Gulli-Danda & Kanche (marbles) were more popular than cricket.When we always had friends to play aais-paais (I Spy), chhepan-chhepai& pitthoo anytime ... When we desperately waited for 'Yeh Jo HaiJindagi' (Doordarshan serial)When chitrahaar, vikram-baitaal, and chutti-chutti during summer breaks. When there was just one Tv in a single houses and...When Bisleris were not sold in the trains and we were worrying if papas will get back into the train in time or not when they were getting down at stations to fill up the water bottle ...When we were going to bed by 10.00pm sharp except for the 'Yeh Jo Hai Jindagi' day ...When Holis & Diwalis meant mostly hand-made pakwaans and sweets made by moms and neighbours ...When Maths teachers were not worried of our Mummies and papas while slapping/beating us ...When we were exchanging comics and stamps and Chacha-Chaudaris & Billus were our heroes ... one movie every Sunday evening on television was more than asked for and 'ek do teen chaar' and 'Rajani' inspired us ...When 1 ruppee meant at least 10 toffees ...When left over pages of the last years notebooks were used for rough work or even fair work ... the first rain meant getting drenched and playing in water and mud and making 'kaagaj ki kishtis' ...When there were no phones to tell friends that we will be at their homes at six in the evening ... we remembered tens of jokes and were not finding 'ice-cream & papa' type jokes foolish enough to stop us from laughing ...

The list can be endless ... On the serious note I would like to summarize with ...When we were using our hearts more than our brains, even for scientifically brainy activities like 'thinking' and 'deciding' ...When we were crying and laughing more often, more openly and more sincerely ..When we were enjoying our present more than worrying about our future ...When being emotional was not synonymous to being weak ...When sharing worries and happiness didn't mean getting vulnerable to the listener ...When blacks and whites were the favorite colors instead of greys ...When journeys also were important and not just the destinations ...When life was a passenger's sleeper giving enough time and opportunity to enjoy the sceneries from its open and transparent glass windows instead of somesuper fast's second ac with its curtained, closed and dark windows ... I really miss them .. don't u?

(F)art of making a CV

Here is a wonderful example of putting the same point in a flowery manner step by step:

Step 1: Did a course in Branding

Step 2: Did a course on Brand Management

Step 3: Audited a course on Brand Management

Step 4: Audited a course on Strategic Brand Management

Step 5: Participated in an audited course on Strategic Brand Management

Step 6: Participated in an audited course on Strategic Brand Management, delivered by industry experts

Step 7: Participated in an audited course on Strategic Brand Management, delivered by renowned industry experts

Step 8: Actively participated in an audited course on Strategic Brand Management, delivered by renowned industry experts

POST IT? OK

Okay, this is going to be a considerably useless post than the previous ramblings. Whatever.

So here I was, an over-worked creature, cuddled up in front of my laptop which has the not-so-enviable task of seeing my mug for a large part of the day. In bits and pieces, through an ingenious invention called GTalk, and a horrendous little application called Outlook Express (yes, the same 'Please, sir... Not more than 2 MB, or I'll die!' ), along with a propensity on my part to try and engage myself in a lot of activities at one go, came the realisation that my memory was as dependable as a George Bushian promise to sign the Kyoto Protocol.

Anyway, with the failing of my cranium to regurgitate chronological happenings with the efficiency with which they were encrypted in the first place, came a realisation. A dawning, if you will. And the answer, came in those cute li'l yellow adhesive notes... Post-Its. So then I cleaned up side of the cupboard overlooking my table and whenever an event, deadline or anything of the sort was supposed to be committed to memory, I religiously noted it down on them little jaundiced squares. And stuck 'em to the cupboard wall. Now things went on just about well. I had presentations, to-calls, mails to be send, proposals to be made et al nicely noted out. I felt this strange sense of pride, these post-its were my way of feeling organized. Surreal.

And then, lo and behold. Along came electronic post-its, which you could put up on your desktop. Initially, I was thrilled. I could edit them in whatever way I wanted, copy-paste, and save on the physical ones. It seemed to good to be true. It was. I ended up fiddling with the goddamn things so much that I never got any of the work done. I had ambitious plans of using the calendar function to alarm me on birthdays. Failed miserably, I only remember birthdays when a cousin or a frnd calls me and says "Have you wished him/her" and my usual reply is "Yaar, I was just about to do that", sadly many a times this call comes too late.

I even realised I could change the colour! Blue post-its! No, really! And hell, I had all the reminders I needed without having to lug my cupboard along! Woohoo!The more I used them, the more I realised they were a pain, rather than a convenience.

I needed the physicality of the manual post-its. The scribbling over things I did was far more orgasmic, than a simple "DELETE" that gave me no hormonal pleasure whatsoever :The handwriting in various fonts that no Font Creator can replicate. And moreoever, the electronic things cluttered my clean desktop!

So the decision was quite easy to take. Uninstall, go back to manual.

And things have been great, since. Sometimes, some things are best left traditional.

'Make Blog entry' ... Scribble over! :D

Problem

There are enuf..... problems when you move to a new city. The one that comes-up everytime I get an party invite is damn depressing.

It is detailed below:

The single guy/girl is supposed to ask out any frnd aquintance for the big night and the my situation is described as a CASE STUDY

a) Objective: Find HOT date for the Party

b) Problem Statement:1. Don’t know too many chicks in mumbai
2. The good ones are already booked

c) Alternatives: 1. Network with colleagues begging them to introduce us to their nice friends
2. Hang around the cafeteria or canteen, eyes wondering desperately trying to
spot somebody pleasant (not applicable in my case)
3. Frenzied phone calls to strangers only to find out that they have already been
booked
4. Go back to elimination list (alternative 2) in sheer desperation and randomly
choose people the night before D-day, only to get a smug reply, “I am sorry,
but I am going with So-and-So”.

d) Implementation Plan: Go stag with your best friends and have the time of your life!

Things My Mom Taught Me

I recieved this Email from friend - one of those chain mails that gets forwarded to everybody in the list. But this one was good, so good that I had to post it on my blog.
.
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was thinking of how a mom can shape a number of attributes of a person.....

i think a number of us cud relate to examples mentioned in the incidents
This is how my mom taugh things to me...

"Things My Mom Taught Me"

My Mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE।
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside। I just finished cleaning!"

My Mom taught me about INDIVIDUALISM।"
I bet if all your friends jumped off a bridge, you would too!

My Mom taught me RELIGION।
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet।"

My Mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION।
"Stop acting like your father!"

My Mom taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why।"

My Mom taught me FORESIGHT।
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, incase you're in an accident।"

My Mom taught me about HYPOCRISY।
"If I've told you once, I've toldyou a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My Mom taught me IRONY।
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about!"

My Mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world,and I can take you out."

My Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My Mom taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunatechildren in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mom taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS.
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you;would you listen then?"

My Mom taught me about WEATHER
."It looks like a tornado swept through your room!"

IT AIN'T FUN

So, I met her again.

All this while, I kept thinking of words to say to her, I kept thinking of finally saying it. But thats it. As soon as I see her these words just hide in my mind, I talk bout the world, bout everything there is to talk, except, what I wanted to talk. And all talks seem so small. They end as soon as they begin.

You don't know, if you should say it, if you should ever say it, if she feels the same way you do, and if you say it - would it be all over.

And the only way to find out is to say it. But you can't say it.

I am going back to Mumbai tomorrow, without saying it. Don't know when will I see her next, Don't know, if I would ever see her next. Seems like God's playing games with me...... for the nth time now.

My heart says the fire burns on the other side as well, but the mind says otherwise. I know I ll have to say it once, the sooner the better.

Next time for sure............

Coasting along ...

Quite some time since I posted, so what have I been up to –

1) Serving out my notice period.

2) Handing over stuff that I was doing at workplace and KT (knowledge transfer – One thing I still cannot get myself to believe is that I actually have knowledge to transfer. But then, if people want to labor under that illusion, don’t blame me)

3) Orkutting.

4) Reading up some stuff – trying to get back into the student mode. Working (in my case at least) has reduced my ability to sit in a place and read any printed material. At best I just skim through it and move on to something else. I have been spending the last few weeks trying to get back my studying habits.

5) Getting in touch with friends and renewing acquaintances. It struck me, a few days back that I was losing contact with my friends and I started a conscious effort to keep in touch with them. Happy to note that they do remember me :)

6) Started getting together stuff that would be required for my stay in Mumbai.

7) Calling up future workmates and cribbing about life in general and Mumbai in particular.

8) Finally coming to Mumbai and settling down (Will elaborate it later - its 3am and the alarm is set to 7am)

Pretty dull post, eh? But that’s the way life has been for the past few weeks.

Materialistic Me.

There are people who say that being materialistic wouldnt lead to salvation...... Ediots ..... they havent played Dearth Vaider on PS3 ..... thats as close to salvation as it gets

All this far I have refrained myself frm ... writing on devices..... I am emotions personified (girls u listenin) .... but recently there have been a couple of products that would manage to get even the most serious sage out of his ... dhyan .... or watever else it is called ..... for example the choice of gaming console ... XBOX, WII and mah favourite PS3 ... its the best gaming console mankind has ever seen .... the gaming consols have been around for almost two decades, but never was there such a fanfare and enthusiasm for the release of something that makes you play boxing with just moving your fingers.

PS3 ... has got 120 gigs of memory ... thats more than enuf to save all u ever liked.... best gameplaying graphics .... of course we in India wouldnt knw the first thing about high defination graphics... we are so used to getting distorted pictures from out local cablewala that we buy LCD's just by lookin how good they look and not their picture quality. Yes. On a standard TV you wont be able to tell the difference between the graphics you see on your comp. and those of PS3.

Rob a bank! buy a HDMI Plasma ... hook it on to your PS3 and enjoy the rest of your life. That is ... rest of your life before you land in jail.

Then there are the mobile phones of the century. I ll tell you a story. There is a company from Finland called Nokia... it gave us phones that neither had wires nor needed a briefcase to carry them .... they were called mobile phones. Then one day it got tired of making mobile phones and made N 95. Yes thats the dream phone... Saying that a man dosent dream of N95 is like saying he dosent dream of being alone on a deserted island with Yana gupta .

The day I saw the ad ... i fell in love with this thing ... the ad says it all .... and its so awesome ....
and not like the lousy hritik's Sony Erricson dump ... oh sorry thats called Thump....

The phone has everything u ll ever require in your life and beyond... its got a 3.2 inch LCD screen ... 5MP Carl Zeiss lens..... yes you heard it right .... 5MP .... auto focus .... it has GPS and its 3.5G ... nevermind the fact that we in India have still not adapted 3G

Where was I? Much about this phone feels almost illegally satisfying. The satnav looks fantastic, swooping in, Google Earth-style, from planet to park bench, as long as you have an active internet connection.

its got all the connectivity options ... infrared, bluethooth is passe .... its got Network GSM/3G/HSDPA, UPnP Wi-Fi .... I dont know what most of them mean but dont you like the sound of it.

It has a two way slider... a turn into a music phone by just a slide.... Though on a downside ... it has no touch screen and hence no stylus... though you would need that only if you get over looking that phone.

N95 costs above 30,000 bucks and deserves every penny spent.... most importantly this thing feels right ... it feels heavenly to have the damn thing in your pocket.... but then thirty thousand

The other phone is LG Prada ... one look and you know why vivek, salman, abhishek and a billion others were fighting ..... its called BEAUTY man....I'm sure the designers got into a pact with The Devil to make something as good looking as this...

Beating the iPhone by over three months, this is the world’s first completely touchscreen mobile. Er, except it’s not. There are actually eight buttons around the three-inch screen, including power, call-answer, and a keypad lock. Having to use them is a bit like being shown a really cool motorbike, then being told you’re in the sidecar.

I dont know whats inside the phone ... nor what it does.... but thats the thing about beauty ... You wanna know whats inside but you cant (No pun intended) .... LG prada will release in India in about a month's time and is expected to be around Rs 40,000 ... but then dreams are free.

The third product is a mean machine its called Mahindra Classic ...

It a 4X4 ... and an open jeep ... no better than the ones available .... but it looks far better than all other things put aside (though not as good as Yana Gupta) .... To me its Attitude personified... Man just dreaming of how wud I look on the damn thing with mah new Aviator serious glasses (PS: i havent bought the glasses yet)

If the losses don't get you...

If you've been on a turbulent flight, you know how I feel.

I've been dribbling (think leaky faucet, not Beckham), its hard dribbling a house-shift (its harder if you are doing it for the first time-like I am), a volatile stock market and a break-up to top that all.

I can live with the first two things, but a break-up, two months ago - it was something that happens to others. But then things started getting bad and both of us had too much ego to correct the course. Both were too busy when the other wanted to meet. One thing led to another, small issues suddenly became big. And you know when you are down with something as bad as this - everything else seems bad.

Leaving a house, where I had literally spent all my life, 10 yrs to be precise. I still remember the day I moved in, the first cricket match I played in the park in front. I can still remember how it smelled and no it dosent always smell the same. A month ago, I wasn't ready to spent a single more day here. But today I wish if I could stay for some more time, if I could live those days again. I have both good and bad memories of this house, but as we move out, i can be proud that good memories far out-number the bad ones.

Same is with breaking-up, you spend hours thinking of those days, the first time we met, the first time we met alone, those memories make me laugh and cry at the same time. The hours we spent on phone, and the minutes we spent without speaking, just absorbing the moment. If I had put the phone down at that time even my Dad wud have enjoyed a couple of moments without fretting over the phone bills.

Neways, thats history now, it was as amicable as it gets, I had seen it comming two months ago, but had every hope that 'this too shall pass', like everything else had in these two years. But then all these are memories now.

Today, as I write, the market's up. If my (notional) losses don't get me, the volatility will. Nevertheless, we intend to stay the course and dribble away.

Confession: So I am a Recluse

If you think I am 'too serious' or regard me as aloof, arrogant, rude. Well, here is one truth: I dont like you either.

I know. My name is Daljeet, and I am a Recluse.

Oh, for years this was something only I knew, and considering the number of people that read this blog, I am still the only one who knows this, but i have to get this off my chest. After all, I believe I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually, I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests.

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly one hour alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating.

I asked a friend of mine who has masters degree in psycology and human physics, and also happens to be very good looking. Beauty with brains, now thats one helluva combination. Ah! we are deviating from the topic. So, I asked her as to how many people are recluse or introverts, and kinda marvel at her answer. She replied -"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.")

The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure it all, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."

It is not that I dont like to talk to people, I love meeting new persons, talking to them, knowing them, letting them know me, making new friends. I just love it all, but there is a limit, I love meeting people but I simply adore quiet time with myself, cuddled up reading a book, or just sitting in the verandah doing nothing.

I like eating, but one thing that I like more than eating is..... eating alone. Not that I dont go to dinners, almost every weekend I am out with frnds or cousins or someone else. Rather I would like to do it everyday. But as I said earlier for every hour out i need one hour by myself. So, my time with myself is the most important thing. The next time you call me and ask what am I doing and I reply back saying 'I am doing NOTHING'. Remember thats the most important thing I can ever do.

The Village Marriage - part 2 (The Suffering)

As soon as I entered the village, my first sight was a pond, I dont know what else to call it, the water was black in colour, and had black buffalows in it, which were hardly distinguishable. The houses were of brick only and had no paint on them, the first good thing of the day happened here. We asked two village boys, exactly the same age as ours, about Pragat's house, both of them didn't tell us the way, instead they walked 2 kms. with us till the house, knocked on the door and told pritpal's mother that we have brought your guests, and then they went back as quietly. That stuff was awe-inspiring. Being from a city where if I ask someone the way, he would not stop for a second to tell me that, this stuff was amazing. i now had a feeling as to why my dad wanted to come to the village.

We entered the house and sat inside a room that had a cooler and the latest DVD system with 5.1 music system. wtf... why the hell wont they spend half of it to get the the house painted. Nevermind, there came pragat with a glass full of tea. now the glass was twice the size of the biggest glass i had ever seen. He said to me that boy beacuse you are from delhi i have brought you tea, else we here drink lassi. I mean this much tea would have been consumed in next 10 days had it been in a thermos, but it was in a glass or a jug as it would have been called in delhi.

Then, her slder sister came with a plate full of sweets. and the eating continued for the rest of the day. i was not used to this kind of a welcome. and i was ready to stay there as long as they served me like this. Man I felt like a king. In the evening there were a few celebrations. I must mention that my friend pragat singh whos getting married is a preacher of sikh teachings, this is his full time job. The marriage was expected to be simple but what came ahead baffled me. We were told to sit in a line on the cots in the verandah and fed sweet rice with sweet curd. thats it. I thought that were starters and I kept thinking but nothing else came, except another round of the same. I asked randeep about the dinner and he told me to shutup and eat it and thats what I did.

Then we went to take a walk around the village fields while the sun was setting. The sight was too good. There was deafning silence everywhere, now at this time i am used to hear horns and all kinds of noises, but the silence was so calm. Within next 20 minutes there was darkness and of course no street lights. We went back to pritpal's place. There in the verandah they were setting a DJ what the @#$%^*@#$ Man they could have certainly given us good food. The DJ, pragat later told me was set up by his cousins without telling him and that led to a lotta disturbance in the house, he wanted to keep the marriage as simple as it goes.

Anyways I saw a lotta bhangra and did a bit myself too. then while we were leaving the village gals came up to the stage for giddah, everyone still kept going and to my amazement no one looked back, may be they had seen it a lot too often or they were not supposed to and did not, I still managed to steal a few glances. and also identified the ones i need to look at tommorow morning !!):

there I was heart broken and dead tired and we were told to sleep in veerandah, i was given a cot beacuse I was a delhiwala and wont be able to sleep on the floor, I made meagre noises and even offered my cot to someone else to show my generosity. But i didnt ask much or they would have gotten a feeling that i genunily dont want it. Then I would have cursed myself to death. The guys started having heated discussions on a couple of topics, they werent interested in my opinion bcoz i was a delhiwala, but i still managed to make quite a few meaningful interjections and was able to convince them of my intelligence, atleast thats what i still think.


Next day morning I woke up with sun shining on my head, i thought i had missed the marriage when i saw everyone sitting near me and drinking tea, even pragat was there. I looked at the watch and it was 7 am. I was offered tea but i wanted to brush my teath. i was given a mug and was told to go to the handpump. wtf. I should have backed out of this trip. but again i had no choice i went to handpump in the fields. straight out of bed. While i was comming back i saw a bunch of girls passing as soon as they saw me they started laughing. what the hell. have they not seen a dude before. At least i had my teeth all brushed. the girls, I must mentioned consisted of the bunch i had marked out yesterday. Murphy GOD.

Next task was to relieve myself. I am not too sure if I should be saying this but man I require a clean toilet. I just require it. What i was given instead was something that had turned black with dirt and had walls the height of my waist. Did i mention that it was in the middle of where buffalows reside. I am sure it was made for them. I some how manage to survive what felt like eternity. I went back for the bath at the handpump. That was a difficult task. i need to tell all this to my dad and am sure he wouldnt talk bout a village ever again. and i aint comming back.

The marriage was as simple as Pradeep wanted, after the marriage, while i was checking out the food the same bunch of girls came and started talking to me, they were also laughing for no reason. i was about to drop dead. I manage to sneak out of the conversation that centered around me. The food was good. Infact simple but good.

We all meet with the couple, laughed a lot. And then came back to the rooms where we had kept out luggage. We packed it as we were about to leave. We left the village at around 5 pm and took a bus for Amritsar. We spent a day at Amritsar and from there Pritpal and icchpal went back to delhi, as they had to rejoin their respective offices. We roamed different parts of punjab i.e Jullandhar, Ludhiana, Taran Taaran for the next three days, but we never stayed at a hotel, randeep would manage to find a relative or a friend in every city of punjab and they were all more than happy to let us in for the night.

The last four days we were to spend in randeep's village in Patiala. We stayed the night of our sixth day at one of randeep's relatives in the patiala city. When we took a bus to randeep's village in the morning. the state transport bus had a television and luxury seats it dropped us a kilometer before village. and we walked the entire klometer.

Contd...

The Village Marriage - Part 1

Now it was 10 days before the holi of 2006 .... a distant friend of another distant frnd was getting married and he happened to call me in passing ..... now those who have read my previous posts must be aware that there are prerequisites for calling me to a marriage ... a AC hall is one of em .... and i had doubts they wud have a fan in their entire village ... but then i thought that this can be an all expense paid for extreme adventure trip ..... so i said YES.

Also my father had mentioned it once that he wud like to retire to farming in a small village where everyone knows everyone else unlike our city..... although my father have gotten used to luxuries of life .... i still thought he was a bit serious ...... rather i didnt give it much thought untill this trip.

The day before we were to leave .... my frnds came to spend the nite at my place coz it was a 6 50 am train ....yup 6 50 am as in morning .... too damn eraly morning ...... icchpal .... jaspreet and pritpal ... ... randeep was to meet us at the station ..... he didnt want to bother me ... how thoughtful .... whn wud others learn ...... now my concern was the 6 50 train and i was havin nitemares form the time we bought the tickets .....

We have this Peculiarity at our place .... my dad is so punctual of time that u can match the watch by his moves .... if he has to reach somewhere at 6 in the mornin ... he still wont be late !!!! now that can only happen with me i dont sleep for the whole nite .... and thats wat i decided

we chatted till 3 am and as always i had so much more to say ...but they all fell asleep .... and no it wasnt my talk ... they were just plain tired ..... i had no other chance but to fall asleep .. knowing fully well that if i do so there was no way i culd wake up in mornin and be on time ..... but still......

now icchpal woke me up at 5 and by that time everyone else was up ..... i kinda envy ppl who can wake up on time without the intervention of any outside force like mothers ....... i have to say sleepin on the floor of my own room wasnt a gud experience and i was already cursing myself for aggreeing for the trip ..... i was not too sure how i culd spend the next 10 dayz .... neways i left my bathroom on their mercy ..... and went to my parent's room with plans of taking a bath myself ..... i saw a nicely made bed with no one sleepin ..... what a waste .... so i thought to untidy it by relaxing it for 15 more mins ... whn my mom came to wake me up again i had made my mind not to go on this trip ... hell i dont even need frnds ..... just let me sleep ...... but as usual i was dragged out of the bed by THE MOTHER .....

Everyone had finished with their breakfast went i came frm bathroom .... jaspreet went to fetch an auto .... as soon as i sat on the table jaspreet came running and announced that auto is standing outside and meter is running ...... did i mention i dont like ppl ....... neways i grabed a sandwich .... and ran .... everyone was worried we mite miss the train .... and we had to meet randeep ....... never mind i wasnt worried .... i was secretly hoping i miss the train and go back home to sleep some more .... neways the auto driver was sent by the devil .... cruised like he had the same genes as michel schummaker .....we reached on time ...... a first for me ....

Randeep was already standing on the platform and we had no problem finding the 6ft sardar
We occupied our berths .... the ones that were alloted to us .... and i went out scouting for food ... now it isnt everyday that i see 6 50 am written on the watch ... and feeling hungry at that time was a sure first .... neways i grabbed a cuppa tea .... and paid .... as soon as i entered the train i saw an aunty sitting on my seat with three kids ..... i had the shock of my life .... that was a seat that i bought frm my dads hard earned money booked the tickets early to get a reservation and now someone else was sitting on it .... but i thought i shud first finish my tea .... or else i may have to share that too ... did i mention i dont like ppl .


After an hour of my standing near the seat looking at the kids dirtying my seat and seeing my dads hard earned cash going down the drain .... aunty offered me some space .... i thought she was mocking me ..... it was made for three ppl .... and it already had six .... i shud have backed out of this trip a long time ago ..... after another hour that felt like eternity .... aunty and her army of three got out of the train ..... and i finally had the seat .... bought by my dad's hard earned cash ..... anyhow after an hour of trying to sleep .... i thought of passing the time with my soulmates the buks ... i looked around my seat and saw two old uncles .... and thought here goes my readin ... i stood and offered em my seat .... icchpal also stood and offered the other uncle his ..... i looked at jaspreet for him to offer his to me but he was fast asleep by the window .....

then suddenly at a station before amritsar (our destination) pritpal said that if we get down at this station it wud be much closer to our destination village .... this station was called Dera Beas ...... and i had my doubts even if railway ppl call it a station coz our train didnt stopped there... it just slowed down to a crawl but never stopped .... we jumped out with our belongings ..... first jaspreet than icchpal then pritpal ..... and when it was my turn ...the train suddenly seemed so fast .... now i believe whenever anything can go wrong it can go wrong with me ..... but i wasnt about to back out ..... i had no option infact ..... so i jumped from a moving train ....another first ......

As soon as we got out of the station .... i thought we call for an auto to drop us at our destination ..... but hell thee were no autos ... infact out of the station i culdnot see a single rickshaw and thought how cud this place stay aloof frm the hordes of biharis ....seemed immpossible .... neways after an hour of waiting we saw a truck passing and waved ... he stopped and icchpal and pritpal went to talk .... i was too mesmerised by the site ....

The truckwala dropped us at the nearest crossing from the Jaboval village ... the nearest was infact 3 kilometers away .... i was cursing myself ..... we stated walkin ...... i dont know how much time it takes to walk three kilometers ...coz i had never done that ...... and i was dead tired in 20 mins ... my bag seemed like dead weight .... and i thought of calling my dad ...and asking him to come take me home .. but i didnt stop or slowed .... my prestige and pride was at stake ..... i ve heard people saying walking is good for health but i thought i could be the first man to die of walking ... nehow after what seemed like eternity we reached the village ..... i was seeing a village up close and personal for the first time ....

contd...

The Ideal Budget

It’s been three days since the budget was presented, and all major media vehicles took the pains of analyzing it and presenting it to their semi-literate audience that can hardly realize the difference between a CAT and a VAT, it seems futile, for the budget didn’t had anything worth explaining. Taking a note of the fact that this was one of the worst budgets ever presented in Indian parliament, I sat down to think what an ideal budget would be?

Would it be the one where the prices of human food are reduced, instead of dog food? Or will it be the one which as an exception reduces the taxes. Any of it, would do, but then they may be idealistic for the country, not for me. Because, for one I buy neither pet food, nor human one, that’s taken care of for me. And I don’t pay taxes, and have no plans of doing so for next couple of years. So, I start dwelling upon the question of ideal budget for me and I am not going to talk like the idealist who have not seen any poverty in their lives but would still make claims and decide for the poor. I will be what I am, and I represent hundreds of thousands of MTV watching, Coke drinking youngsters like me.

I believe, it should have, as a matter of policy, scrapped any taxes on fast food (I have no clue if there are any), well, Mr. Finance Minister, we have to pay for it from the meager pocket money that we get. So, while I visit McDonalds, I have to return with a VegSurprise and sometimes a small coke, if I am blessed, and that defeats the sole purpose of going to McDonalds. I would also like to include that from the perspective of the pocket money, I can easily be included among the poorest of poor. Also, there should be a subsidy for computer games, which the government must consider, keeps the kids off the streets and out of the harms ways. This keeps the supply of work force constant and hence, keeps the economy booming. Therefore, ideally the CD’s and DVD’s should be provided free of cost, if not that then there should be a huge subsidy on them.

The third, thing that I expect from an ideal budget is rationing of designer goods. This would lead to boosting the confidence of those who can not afford it and would also eliminate the disparities in the society. This budget also saw an increase in the duty on importing cars into India. This means Amithab Bacchan would have to spend a little more change when he decides to gift his son another Bentley or Porsche, for a change. But not an ideal budget, not at all, that would subsidize imported cars, for the simple reason that they produce less smoke and would lead to reducing pollution in the air, which would increase the health of the population and would lead to a better economy. Push and Pull economics Mr. Finance Minister.

Well, I would sum up my description of ideal budget, by saying that the ideal budget should be ideal for all quarters of society and hence for people like me too. The description may lead to the so called idealist cribbing, but then as I say, these are my views, and it may not necessarily match yours, if they don’t, get one thing, you are wrong.


E&OE

WEEDING WOES

I recently went to a wedding of a my friend's brother.

Now I go only to weddings which have either A/c halls, Parking, and a North Indian Buffet. Cause if you don't have them attributes, your not worth my time. After all my time is more precious than yours.

I always want to know something. Does one take the wedding invitation to the wedding? I mean AFAIK, my family has never taken one to any wedding they have been too. I first thought that this was another small quirk running in the Ravichandar's.So I decided to see if this was reality. I waited outside the hall entrance the my keen eye I observed the family from the car that pulled up behind me. If anyone will have the invite it wont be the Man of the family. Cause he has to pretend to look important and VIP like. Not the woman as she has to see that the damn kids she gave birth too are behaving themselves(and curiously only 10 yr olds are seen in weddings I never know why, that too the crying and bawling ones like you see in the movies). And there is the odd oldie who has to get out once in a while, they are the best bet, make some use of 'em..Nada!So..No one who comes to the wedding brings the Wedding invitations. I don't get it. Do you have any idea how much it takes to print those? Like 30-50 bucks a card with all that gold decoration and a double fold that opens out like a majestic swan in spring. I always have the feeling as I enter the hall that there's gonna be sudden check buy a polite yet sharp guy asking me for my invite. Nothing. But Im not so lucky when it comes to Tailor guys, Photo Dev guys and of course the worst Ticket Checkin on trains -.- who all insist No ticket, No Service. In the last case it gets a lot worse.essentially, the only place you can just walk in without any such ID is a wedding hall. I still feel like Im gatecrashing the place.


Then as I walk into the entrance of the hall, I get sprayed with some scented liquid and sugar by three giggly females, probably friends of the bride/groom. I dunno what custom that Is, but I took a bath so don't insult me. So can the spray sista

.Now since I don't know the bride or groom, the highlight of the evening for me would be the dinner. When/Where/What. Before that happens you have to sit somewhere and not look like you just came here to stuff your fat self. All eyes on the stage as we see the parents and friends of the couple running around across to each others room conveying updates. Could be- 'who came?', 'Is he/she done with saree/suit' etc. Ahhh..So sad. The pressure on them would be huge seeing so many people turn up. And for the 1st time being the spotlight with 500 ppl facing only on you. Thought you dodged the ppt presentations @ college in front of a huge audience? lol your dead now.As they make their appearance on stage, you can hear the screech of chairs and the shuffle of feet and the jostling of people trying to make it on stage being the 1st to give the happy couple their wedding gift, aka, compensation for stuffing themselves silly. Then I see the couple standing up, the girl in her 39483290432 rs saree(40% of the wedding budget) and the guy in his 3 kg Tux suit which is made of some wierd polyester that makes you sweat like crazy. A

s all the losers go and give the gift to the guy/girl, it is then handed over a small guy behind him the (probably the evil scheming cousin/loser who wanted to have some responsibility/someone good at counting in binary) . Reminds me of politicians go give flowers to the CM, then CM gives the garland to another guy. Both losers.

Anyway, the couple have to be on their feet for atleast 1 hr, pretend to know everyone who comes on stage with a smart nod and chit chat for the VIPs. What a pity. Add to that the intense 1000 watt light beaming straight at you from 3 strategically places cameras. The girl has to hope that her make up job don't melt in the heat. If the guy sees here as she really is he'd beat it in a heartbeat.

Now that the formality is over, all of them head out to the dining room. As expected the food was delicious. And people are eating like the plane was going down. Your not gonna believe this, but there was a separate chat section, serving bhel and pani puri! Is it ok to have second helping at weddings? If its a buffet style I mean, can u go back in line and ask for seconds? I mean the French fries were really good!So I ditch this paper plate, get a new one and I stealthily cut in line and tried look like a first timer. The server gives me a "Havent-I-seen-you-before-here-you-fatso' look as I come to him. What the hell dude?!The server guy thinks its his family jewels on line?! I get my seconds! Diminishing returns tho :( not as good as batch #1.

I see the sweets area as a 90 yr old dude is like loading 7 rasagullas into a steel container 5x7 made specially for this hit and run. Guess he wants to eat them in private and his nagging wife don't want him to die of diabetes type II.Finally as the crowd exits completing its rampage, they are all given a 'thambulam' or a bag having 2 coconuts, another custom. Hmm..if I were the guy footing this marriage, I wouldn't be handing them the bags, probably use it as a club and clonk the heads of every blood suckin tick that walked through my door.

Why I dont go to the movie theatres anymore..

Teenage Punk Kids

Virtually 80% of the unwanted noise when the movie begins comes from these punks. They are the ones that sit behind you and try to make saracastic quips to either a) friends b) Girl Friends c) Strangers d) Themselves. You try to be polite and turn back and give him the subtle glance - you know you imply 'dude, please stfu trying to watch a movie'.

The punk will keep talking about either :a) How he has seen this movie 100x times. (wtf are u still doing here ?!)

b) How this was the lamest movie ever--- ditto as abovec)

c) Tell/Guess the ending -- Capital Punishement needed here.

Cell Phone guys

The damn thing will ring with not just a small beep, no but the latest and most cacophonic ring tone given by a) Pepsi b) the latest hindhi movie c) Loser Hindi Remix of english rip offs. He will take like 100 hours to locate the phone, now that they have become the size of a grain. He picks it up, he will pretend to be embarrrased by this ,the cell is gleaming like a lost philosophers stone which emits more gamma rays than the screen itself. Quickly cups his mouth with his hands and ducks down low to 'become invisible' to others. NEWSFLASH NOOB We can still hear you although you have shrunk 50%. He will still be in the hall for the enitre 5 minsComplex cases include handing over phone to friend to absolve of guilt or turn left and right trying to look innocent prenteding that the noise aint coming from him. Nice try dumbass.

Losers at the end of the row

One of the worst. Typical profile includes Loner, fat middle aged guy or a thief. Will come after the flick began 5 mins ago, and will make you lift your legs, water bottle etc so that he can slowly waft into his seat. He came late forgot to get the pop corn and pepsi so will again slowly move like a sloth thorught 100 seats block your view and get out to buy the stuff. Finally the intermission comes along you cast a glance at him. No he is seated happily does not budge.IInd part of the movie. Guy drank too much, needs to take a leak , so again does the amoeba through you. U want to stab him as he passes you no doubt. My empathies.Complex cases include people who get lost in which their row is and try the row infront of you, and then your row, effectively dissing you two times.
WORST CASE SCENARIO: OLD+SLOW+LOSER PUNK+2 OR MORE PEOPLE+CORNER SEAT+WITH BLADDER ISSUES+CELL PHONE RINGING+LONG SICK RING TONE WHICH WILL PLAY IN YOUR MIND THROUGHT THE WHOLE MOVIEIf
I go to a movie theatre again, I will probably kill myself or the people mentioned above.

A few awkward moments I had

We all go through awkward moments in our lives. Maybe not everyday but in regular intervals of time. But when it does happen, we simply hope the moment goes away and we forget about it. We do we hide from them? Why dont we just try to come to terms with it? I have tried to chronicle some of them that has happened to me.

You meet your friend (level of friendship- acquaintance) on the street, (both of you come from opposite direction). Both of you stop and make some chit chat. You talk all you can , exhaust every subject until there is nothing else left to talk about. Finally, you both mutually and tacitly agree that its time to hit the road.

But then to yours and his/her (yea applies even to girls too, more awkward) shock, both of you are now heading in the same direction . Whats the reason? Maybe one you realised you forgot something from home or something. Now this is really wierd, you have to walk along him the whole way again until one of you hopefully branches off to the left/right. You are again obliged to make some forced conversation with him. But remember you talked about everything under the sun even that time when you cut your toe nail 2 inches too deep. So damn awkward now.

One solution to this is you either walk slower or faster than the other guy and hopefully fading away into the crowd. 2. You or/and your friend are at a restaurant. You head out to a table that has just been used and park yourself there. You see the table still has the half filled tumblers of water of the previous guy who ate. You kinda signal to the cleaner guy to clean the table, you dont want to do it as you feel guilty that this guy who is probably 10 years old has to clean tables for a living, while your bill for the meal is what he earns in a month.(Awk moment-1)

After that unpleasent scene, are all set to order. But now the next challenge lies ahead. Getting the Waiters attention. I have been told that you can't do any of the following to address the waiter as it is considered rude. -

Raising one's hand

Shouting 'Waiter!' in the most dignified manner loud enough for him to hear you but low enough so that people dont stare and see what a ****** you are,

'Clicking' your fingers(the action where the thumb and the middle finger join to make a 'clicking' noise, hence called so).

So what else is there? By experience I have decided that the only way left is Catching the eye of the waiter. You have to raise your head high and look at any waiter who is not busy and stare until you see the whites of his eyes. Then a small inperceptible nod will clinch it and if he feels you are really worth a tip, he comes over. Another complication is this guy will thrust the menu on you and ask you for your order now. You need time , to make an informed decision after examining the menu in detail. You hope in vain he goes away giving you and your friend[s] time, but he obstinately stares at you and does not budge. You have to order now or you dont get food. Again this arises out of guilt that someone has to stand and wait on you and serve you as, probably the rich punk you are you make 10 times his wages.

Finally after you rush off your order, you stealthly glance at the guy near you(not your friend, he is as bad as you, but other tables) and you see he has ordered something scrumptious which is what you would have ordered if it wasn't for the waiters mind games and your inaptitudeness to make a decision. You can choose the right option in a DERRIDA Reading Comprehension where all of them are practically the same thing; but lo behold you cant choose what you want to eat.

Fast Forward to the end of the meal and again the complex riddle of tipping comes into play. I'm not even going to go there.If you think you have undertipped him, you leave the tip, steal 5 toothpicks+handful of that green minty stuff and run away before he can come and see the pittance you have left behind- the thanks that you have given him for his 30 mins of serving you like a slave! How does sucha waiter look- this guy here looks really pissed off ^^ , seems a close match.

26 things a perfect guy would do

Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into a mockery.Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:

1. Know how to make you smile when you are down! When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, madam.

2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice. What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that stuff makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?

3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.

4. Give you the remote control during the game. This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as the stock update, in which case you need to put the gal down if she touches your remote.

5. Play with your hair: Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?6. His hands always find yours.This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils.

6. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.

7. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.See, this is what turns me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to stuff like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.

8.Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is simply stupid. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my head in the oven.