Teenage Punk Kids
Virtually 80% of the unwanted noise when the movie begins comes from these punks. They are the ones that sit behind you and try to make saracastic quips to either a) friends b) Girl Friends c) Strangers d) Themselves. You try to be polite and turn back and give him the subtle glance - you know you imply 'dude, please stfu trying to watch a movie'.
The punk will keep talking about either :a) How he has seen this movie 100x times. (wtf are u still doing here ?!)
b) How this was the lamest movie ever--- ditto as abovec)
c) Tell/Guess the ending -- Capital Punishement needed here.
Cell Phone guys
The damn thing will ring with not just a small beep, no but the latest and most cacophonic ring tone given by a) Pepsi b) the latest hindhi movie c) Loser Hindi Remix of english rip offs. He will take like 100 hours to locate the phone, now that they have become the size of a grain. He picks it up, he will pretend to be embarrrased by this ,the cell is gleaming like a lost philosophers stone which emits more gamma rays than the screen itself. Quickly cups his mouth with his hands and ducks down low to 'become invisible' to others. NEWSFLASH NOOB We can still hear you although you have shrunk 50%. He will still be in the hall for the enitre 5 minsComplex cases include handing over phone to friend to absolve of guilt or turn left and right trying to look innocent prenteding that the noise aint coming from him. Nice try dumbass.
Losers at the end of the row
One of the worst. Typical profile includes Loner, fat middle aged guy or a thief. Will come after the flick began 5 mins ago, and will make you lift your legs, water bottle etc so that he can slowly waft into his seat. He came late forgot to get the pop corn and pepsi so will again slowly move like a sloth thorught 100 seats block your view and get out to buy the stuff. Finally the intermission comes along you cast a glance at him. No he is seated happily does not budge.IInd part of the movie. Guy drank too much, needs to take a leak , so again does the amoeba through you. U want to stab him as he passes you no doubt. My empathies.Complex cases include people who get lost in which their row is and try the row infront of you, and then your row, effectively dissing you two times.
WORST CASE SCENARIO: OLD+SLOW+LOSER PUNK+2 OR MORE PEOPLE+CORNER SEAT+WITH BLADDER ISSUES+CELL PHONE RINGING+LONG SICK RING TONE WHICH WILL PLAY IN YOUR MIND THROUGHT THE WHOLE MOVIEIf
I go to a movie theatre again, I will probably kill myself or the people mentioned above.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
A few awkward moments I had
We all go through awkward moments in our lives. Maybe not everyday but in regular intervals of time. But when it does happen, we simply hope the moment goes away and we forget about it. We do we hide from them? Why dont we just try to come to terms with it? I have tried to chronicle some of them that has happened to me.
You meet your friend (level of friendship- acquaintance) on the street, (both of you come from opposite direction). Both of you stop and make some chit chat. You talk all you can , exhaust every subject until there is nothing else left to talk about. Finally, you both mutually and tacitly agree that its time to hit the road.
But then to yours and his/her (yea applies even to girls too, more awkward) shock, both of you are now heading in the same direction . Whats the reason? Maybe one you realised you forgot something from home or something. Now this is really wierd, you have to walk along him the whole way again until one of you hopefully branches off to the left/right. You are again obliged to make some forced conversation with him. But remember you talked about everything under the sun even that time when you cut your toe nail 2 inches too deep. So damn awkward now.
One solution to this is you either walk slower or faster than the other guy and hopefully fading away into the crowd. 2. You or/and your friend are at a restaurant. You head out to a table that has just been used and park yourself there. You see the table still has the half filled tumblers of water of the previous guy who ate. You kinda signal to the cleaner guy to clean the table, you dont want to do it as you feel guilty that this guy who is probably 10 years old has to clean tables for a living, while your bill for the meal is what he earns in a month.(Awk moment-1)
After that unpleasent scene, are all set to order. But now the next challenge lies ahead. Getting the Waiters attention. I have been told that you can't do any of the following to address the waiter as it is considered rude. -
Raising one's hand
Shouting 'Waiter!' in the most dignified manner loud enough for him to hear you but low enough so that people dont stare and see what a ****** you are,
'Clicking' your fingers(the action where the thumb and the middle finger join to make a 'clicking' noise, hence called so).
So what else is there? By experience I have decided that the only way left is Catching the eye of the waiter. You have to raise your head high and look at any waiter who is not busy and stare until you see the whites of his eyes. Then a small inperceptible nod will clinch it and if he feels you are really worth a tip, he comes over. Another complication is this guy will thrust the menu on you and ask you for your order now. You need time , to make an informed decision after examining the menu in detail. You hope in vain he goes away giving you and your friend[s] time, but he obstinately stares at you and does not budge. You have to order now or you dont get food. Again this arises out of guilt that someone has to stand and wait on you and serve you as, probably the rich punk you are you make 10 times his wages.
Finally after you rush off your order, you stealthly glance at the guy near you(not your friend, he is as bad as you, but other tables) and you see he has ordered something scrumptious which is what you would have ordered if it wasn't for the waiters mind games and your inaptitudeness to make a decision. You can choose the right option in a DERRIDA Reading Comprehension where all of them are practically the same thing; but lo behold you cant choose what you want to eat.
Fast Forward to the end of the meal and again the complex riddle of tipping comes into play. I'm not even going to go there.If you think you have undertipped him, you leave the tip, steal 5 toothpicks+handful of that green minty stuff and run away before he can come and see the pittance you have left behind- the thanks that you have given him for his 30 mins of serving you like a slave! How does sucha waiter look- this guy here looks really pissed off ^^ , seems a close match.
You meet your friend (level of friendship- acquaintance) on the street, (both of you come from opposite direction). Both of you stop and make some chit chat. You talk all you can , exhaust every subject until there is nothing else left to talk about. Finally, you both mutually and tacitly agree that its time to hit the road.
But then to yours and his/her (yea applies even to girls too, more awkward) shock, both of you are now heading in the same direction . Whats the reason? Maybe one you realised you forgot something from home or something. Now this is really wierd, you have to walk along him the whole way again until one of you hopefully branches off to the left/right. You are again obliged to make some forced conversation with him. But remember you talked about everything under the sun even that time when you cut your toe nail 2 inches too deep. So damn awkward now.
One solution to this is you either walk slower or faster than the other guy and hopefully fading away into the crowd. 2. You or/and your friend are at a restaurant. You head out to a table that has just been used and park yourself there. You see the table still has the half filled tumblers of water of the previous guy who ate. You kinda signal to the cleaner guy to clean the table, you dont want to do it as you feel guilty that this guy who is probably 10 years old has to clean tables for a living, while your bill for the meal is what he earns in a month.(Awk moment-1)
After that unpleasent scene, are all set to order. But now the next challenge lies ahead. Getting the Waiters attention. I have been told that you can't do any of the following to address the waiter as it is considered rude. -
Raising one's hand
Shouting 'Waiter!' in the most dignified manner loud enough for him to hear you but low enough so that people dont stare and see what a ****** you are,
'Clicking' your fingers(the action where the thumb and the middle finger join to make a 'clicking' noise, hence called so).
So what else is there? By experience I have decided that the only way left is Catching the eye of the waiter. You have to raise your head high and look at any waiter who is not busy and stare until you see the whites of his eyes. Then a small inperceptible nod will clinch it and if he feels you are really worth a tip, he comes over. Another complication is this guy will thrust the menu on you and ask you for your order now. You need time , to make an informed decision after examining the menu in detail. You hope in vain he goes away giving you and your friend[s] time, but he obstinately stares at you and does not budge. You have to order now or you dont get food. Again this arises out of guilt that someone has to stand and wait on you and serve you as, probably the rich punk you are you make 10 times his wages.
Finally after you rush off your order, you stealthly glance at the guy near you(not your friend, he is as bad as you, but other tables) and you see he has ordered something scrumptious which is what you would have ordered if it wasn't for the waiters mind games and your inaptitudeness to make a decision. You can choose the right option in a DERRIDA Reading Comprehension where all of them are practically the same thing; but lo behold you cant choose what you want to eat.
Fast Forward to the end of the meal and again the complex riddle of tipping comes into play. I'm not even going to go there.If you think you have undertipped him, you leave the tip, steal 5 toothpicks+handful of that green minty stuff and run away before he can come and see the pittance you have left behind- the thanks that you have given him for his 30 mins of serving you like a slave! How does sucha waiter look- this guy here looks really pissed off ^^ , seems a close match.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
26 things a perfect guy would do
Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into a mockery.Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down! When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, madam.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice. What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that stuff makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.
4. Give you the remote control during the game. This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as the stock update, in which case you need to put the gal down if she touches your remote.
5. Play with your hair: Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?6. His hands always find yours.This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils.
6. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.
7. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.See, this is what turns me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to stuff like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.
8.Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is simply stupid. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my head in the oven.
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down! When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, madam.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice. What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that stuff makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.
4. Give you the remote control during the game. This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as the stock update, in which case you need to put the gal down if she touches your remote.
5. Play with your hair: Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?6. His hands always find yours.This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils.
6. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.
7. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.See, this is what turns me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to stuff like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.
8.Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is simply stupid. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my head in the oven.
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